[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
#Caturday
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.