A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
so this horse walks into a bar
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
british sex workers really pound for pound
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?