I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Become ungovernable.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Goodnight 🐶
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The best plant holders?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that