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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”