Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.