Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Lucky old June.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?