If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”