The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”