Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.