Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.