in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
#growingpains
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.