Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Who’s your best friend?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.