The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20