My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.