9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Has science gone too far?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Jogging
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
😂🤣😂🤣
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad