doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.