DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.