*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I don’t think my car can fly
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!