Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”