Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.