Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
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9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.