*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
How do you milk an almond?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
mood
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”