[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
the clam before the storm
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING