[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher