Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Happy Star Wars day!
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Every haunted house movie:
I need this for my side hustle.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind