Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral