Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
You Might Also Like
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.