me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun