Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.