People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.