CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*3.5 thank you very much.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs