Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.