gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there