Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
they finally got him. they got macavity
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.