thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
your honor my client chooses dare
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
me when the borders lift
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Cheer up.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best