Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*aggressively waits in line*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.