[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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What are you gonna do, send them home?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.