Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!