I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?