Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee