Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
time for some seasonal decor
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick