Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?