Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Yup….perfect score!
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.