Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?