Get off my horse you stupid moon
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
How it started How it’s going
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”