i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don鈥檛 go there
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I鈥檓 eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
Her: What鈥檚 with the dozen donuts?
Me: They鈥檙e for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn鈥檛 it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they鈥檇 seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”