Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
58.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss