Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.