Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.