I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right